Secure people find it easy to love others, anxious people tend to think their partner will leave them, and avoidant people fear intimacy. Meanwhile Muslim women even have it more difficult.
Dr. Levine and Heller trace back attachment style to childhood. People love based on the way their parents/guardian loved them. It is your duty to unlearn toxic traits you may have picked up from your parents and do better.
For example, a child who grew up in an abusive home may grow up with toxic traits.Thereby treating their partner as such.
Understand your partner and do not let them suffer for a trauma you are faced with.It is totally unfair.
Allah dislikes treating anyone with injustice.The prophet advises us to be good to our spouses. I urge you to be good and love sincerely.
While I particularly dislike the word dating ,I have always known it to be haraam which is why I strive to stay away from it. Subsequently,Islamic school teachers reiterating the importance of marriage, and the pressure to get married quick made me want to figure “dating” out.
Point blank, I feared I was engaging in haraam just by having a “boyfriend” but honestly ,I am not sorry but rather glad I had that conditioning.I must admit that, it made “courtship” difficult because, after him, I became more fixated on seeking knowledge. Maybe also because my parents did not make dating an option.
Earlier this year at Talk 2020 ,I got to know “dating” wasn’t haram. Honestly,I am embarrassed to admit it myself.
In a very recent Instagram live video, Ustadha Maryam Lemu mentioned that, dating in fact connotes sexual relationship and so ,is haraam. So you see, I wasn’t wrong to hate the term dating or boyfriend. Same way I hate to be called an “ex”.
“Ex” what ? We talked or engaged each other o see if we are compatible. We realised we are not, next…
While I am no Pro nor married, I am going to share some tips to spot the boy. Before you accept the proposal, consider these 5 points.
1.Set your intentions:
You need to be clear on what you want for yourself.I think for the most part, we don’t think about these matters deeply but rather allow pressures of marriage get to us. So make your intention and ask yourself questions before asking what the man’s intention is for reaching out to you.
Are you ready for marriage? What is marriage? How long do you envision this taking place ,say 6 months, 3 years? Are muslim women allowed to stay in a relationship for that long? Are muslim women allowed sex while dating ? This will help you plan and not the boring daily “how are you” questions.
How practical is this intention and do you trust his prospect. Is he financially capable to take care of your needs ?How prepared are you for the responsibility that comes with marriage.When I realised I was not ready for marriage, I stayed away from engaging men. My dad had already put the standard at first degree before marriage.In his defence, times have changed and the need to have an education is paramount.
3. Once you have settled on your decision and are ready to talk to this gentleman, get your family involved.
Even though we know in most culture, when a Muslim woman takes a man home ,it means “marriage”(which is wrong and promotes secrecy) still take him, as it helps for investigations to begin.
You would also know if the relationship would be approved or not.This can help you with your plan.
4. Be vigilant :
Take note of the things he says and does. How he relates with his family, friends and just random people. Who are his friends? What does he like to do? Find out about him.
Alhamdulillah for social media, girl, look him up. While social media can create a nearly ideal man , it could also expose a wrong one real quick.
Also, Is he authoritative? Does he have past which could affect your relationship because remember,YOU ARE NOT A REHAB CENTRE. You want love, commitment, loyalty and more.
5. PRAY .
We often wait till we are in love before praying about.This can be dangerous because, when we eventually pray, we could be clouded by feelings. Pray about it and ask Allah for guidance and clarity.
A good friend told me about how she has decided to take a break from engaging men to take care of herself.
It is very important to acknowledge your mental state and do what you need to.Be compassionate with yourself and keep praying to Allah to guide you. If you are not ready to be in a relationship ,kindly reject it and do not keep him for Money transfer needs. You can read about Finding yourself as a muslim , tap here
Muslim women have strict guidelines of modesty they must uphold at all times. Do not forget this ,lest the Noor of Abdullah sweeps you off your prayer mat.